Katie Bell

( Hexed to self - by Lorcan )

I'm not ready for winter to come.

I went into a tea shoppe with Evelyn the other day to pick something up that she wanted, and this is going to sound a little weird, but I actually forgot how many different kinds of teas could be in one place. I really think that jasmine tea is the best...

And I'm writing about tea? Is my life really that simple?

Ever get the feeling that people are just dumb? I mean just blind. I've been here.... a bit now, and in that time I've helped both sides with dumb ways to annoy the other... Sat by a bed, talked to people I haven't in ages. Been allowed to hex things private to make sure my mates are okay. I should be scared. I should be really scared, and all I can think about is how this isn't that bad. I get to eat enough food. Evelyn tends to help make sure I'm not stuck wearing scary outfits. She's back and better now, but sometimes I wonder if she's a little be shaken up. I think she'd hex me if I tried to hug her, so I'll just keep doing what I'm told.

I was thinking about the time one of the Slytherin Quidditch players tripped me in the hall during 4th year today. I don't really know why, and I can't even remember which one it was.

Don't ask... Just something I thought about.



[The credit goes to: www.labrador.retriever-gifts.com/... for the sketch]

Out of all the people? You have to hit her? I get it a casualty of war or some crap like that. And yet no one knows how to just get a peaceful life.

Hexed to Katie's Friends - by Lorcan]
Ange? Ali? Fred? George? Oliver? Lee? Where are you? Are you okay? Who the hell hit Evelyn?
[End]

I hope he doesn't do anything dumb

I hate St. Mungo's

[very messy writing]

Ever just feel confused?

I want to yell at that idiot Black woman, how could she think it is okay to kill Ang's father? And I can't say a fucking world, I can't express my true feelings. I can't be a person hell I can't write ANYTHING I really feel without crossing every word out. I have the play a fucking part. What the hell happened to me? Who the fuck am I?


Nevermind.

Sometimes I just don't want to know anything more.

[Hand writing very messy and far from straight lines]

The guard outside my cell I think is going more crazy than I am right now. He was screaming about nothing until someone else came and took over for him. I guess it'd be just as bad having to guard us than anything else.

I'm not going to comment on what I've been sort of picking up from journals about the Order being... I have enough to worry about right now

I'm going back to sleep

Whoever is in the cell across from me spent the last four hours screaming at the top of his lungs. I don't know what it was about, but I can only imagine. I saw someone fall down earlier, I think it is getting worse in here.

I can't even focus on writing.

I've been trying to remember what my brother used to say to me, and I can't. I don't even know if he is alive still.

It was the first day of the trail, I was tossed to the side like a piece of meat. The looks I got were pointless. I heard someone mutter something about it looked like I'd be fun to torture. What purpose would it do? I've been locked up for years, I have nothing useful to anyone, to any side. I'm just here, just forcing myself not to give up on every moment. Forcing myself to not die. I don't want to die, but I don't want to be going through this either. I've seen people who just want to give up, and I can't do that... Even though right now it sounds better. It sounds safer. It sounds less painful. Those that would miss me, haven't seen me in years. In some ways I am already gone to them.

What is this? A fun way to pretend to have feelings? No I'm just a piece of fun. Have a trial to look important. It's stupid. If you are planning on killing me, get it over with, stop dragging it out.

Is it possible to just turn cold? To forget how to feel anything? Is it possibly that feeling is so much more painful that feeling nothing sounds better? I've had the argument in my head a million times by now. When I was lifting wood because it was fun to watch me lift wood in a swim suit, I got more cuts on my body than a normal beating... And it was "amusing" and "fun" to watch me bleed carrying heavy wood for hours on end. I forgot to feel for a while after that, sure physical pain still hurt, but it didn't feel the same anymore, I stopped caring all together. It wasn't until I saw someone visiting that I started to remember to feel. I don't know who it was, and I keep trying to figure it out, but I remember I was hiding for a moment, pausing from moving his desk around for no reason when I locked eyes with him.

The way his eyes burned into mine scared me at first, and I couldn't look away, he was intense, he was captivating, and than my master Summers saw me and yelled at me to get back to work. I jumped and went back to it as I could hear him going on and on about how lucky he was that he got a slave like me. I couldn't hear what the man said, but my master didn't look exactly happy when he left. Whoever he was, he was the reason why I started to feel again, the reason I wanted to fight again to try and stay together. It worked up until Summers died.

I was sitting with someone today, maybe this morning? maybe it was midnight. Time doesn't matter anymore, and he was asking me why I would kill Summers. I didn't kill him, no one will believe me, why would I kill him? It was safer and nicer to be living in a cell and working all day than it is to be locked away here... Waiting for them to decide if they want kill me, or give me the kiss. I don't know what they'll do, but whatever it is, I wouldn't be surprised. It doesn't matter what I did or didn't do, this is all for show. They could just decide at any moment, and that would be it, my life would be over. I'd have spent five years now locked away. I wouldn't matter, I would drift to another person dead at the hands of cruelty, another life lost for no reason at all. Or for the pure reason that we live with an unjust world, where people would rather cower and follow blindly because they are too weak to stand up for anything.

Any of you just living life as nothing is going on, with businesses, jobs, just life... are weak, cruel, and pointless. How could you sit back and do nothing? How could you just support something as cruel as the current administration? You're pathetic. Stop sitting around and do something about the world, find a way, there is always a way, it just comes down if you are able to look at it, do something about. But on one wants to put themselves on the line, they'd rather shut their eyes and pretend it isn't happening. Pathetic.

To those hiding, and finding away, my heart is with you, my spirit is with you. I know at some point you'll make it, you'll be okay.... Because at least you have a real heart, a true feeling for life. Thank you.

It was the first day out of Hogwarts that I decided that my dreams were really possible, most of my mates were older and already a year ahead in finding their goals, but I wasn't. I had my friends in my year, but it was different with the people I played with on Gryffindor for so long. Sure most were off and happy, but it didn't change a lot about my goals. I'm writing about nothing again, and the worst part is, is I don't have anything of great excitement too write about.

What about those things I'd write about in school when I was fancying one boy or the other. Not that I told anyone, or did anything about it, but I'd write all about it and end up ripping it up and hiding it because I felt stupid. This isn't exactly the way I thought things would be if I write about it it'll make it better?

I was thinking about games the other day, Quidditch, fun things, anything. It was always something that was worth a laugh.

And I'm back in Azkaban. After years at Masters Malcolm Summers I am back here. Locked in a cell much like the one I lived in for years, it felt like forever, not that this feels any different. All of it is a mess, all of it is pointless. I'm not some sort of common animal, and here I am, and here are my mates being treated as such. I don't know where anyone is, what is going on. I haven't a clue what month, week, day, or even year it is. Before he died, he told me I should just give into my fate. My fate is to make life better, or at least try and help to make life better. I'm not living like this forever, and neither are those I care about.

And yet, sunshine is a dream, the rain on my face is a dream.

( Kates Bell )